Pulled Under
She was drowning. She wanted to come up for air, but for some reason, she couldn’t remember how. Searching frantically for an escape, she could not find her orientation. Which way was up? As she struggled against the overwhelming odds, she began to recall significant events in her life. “It’s true, then,” she thought, “It really does all pass before your eyes.” Moments of her childhood flashed through her mind, memories of packing up and moving, packing up and moving…packing up and moving. The sound of the road beneath her tired head as she lay on the back seat floor with the middle hump as pillow sang a lonely song, as they had back then. Car doors opening and closing as Mom and Dad stopped for a midnight caffeine break at a truck stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They knew she would watch over the others while they took a few moments to breathe. The sound of the late night preacher on am radio and gospel songs she would never hear in church until she was much, much older.
Gasping, she reached for something she could hold on to.
In high school now, she recalled her first real adolescent crush, the boy who called her “dog.” She almost laughed, remembering how she and her best friend nicknamed him “ruff-ruff” for the rest of the time she lived in that place. She was on her first date now, holding hands and walking incredulously into the theater where they were going to see their first R-Rated movie – “Deliverance.” In retrospect, she always wondered why they bothered. Another date and another film, this time one that would change her life at some level – “Billy Jack” would make her realize the extent of injustice in the world. A song began to play in her head…
“Listen, children, to a story, that was written long ago…”
Children…suddenly, she saw herself reach out and take an infant into her arms. The child’s blonde hair was so fine, it was almost as though she were bald. Which daughter was this? Both were so beautiful, such gentle souls. She snuggled the baby closer to her heart. Closing her eyes, she rocked, humming that song. When she opened her eyes, the baby had changed…her son this time – the hair was thick and dark. He reached his little hands to her face, and she found herself falling into his eyes. It had been the same with the girls. Their eyes were portals to eternity…
“Mom? Mom? Are you ok?”
She lifted her head, furrowed with worry. What time was it? Where had she been? Looking about her desk, she saw the bills piled up, the checkbook open and the calculator accusingly blinking a numerical negative. Drowning. She was drowning in debt despite the fact that she spent virtually nothing on items outside of necessity. House payment, electricity, car payment, loan from the time a few years ago when she had her teeth done…school expenses. Food...mostly came from the food bank. “What am I going to do?” she groaned, inwardly, ready to run, hanging on to her sanity by a proverbial thread.
“Mom?”
This time, she looked up, and there was her daughter standing beside her, looking down. Those eyes! Her daughter smiled at her, eyes twinkling, and she couldn’t help but smile back. She held her daughter’s gaze, remembering…
Gasping, she reached for something she could hold on to.
In high school now, she recalled her first real adolescent crush, the boy who called her “dog.” She almost laughed, remembering how she and her best friend nicknamed him “ruff-ruff” for the rest of the time she lived in that place. She was on her first date now, holding hands and walking incredulously into the theater where they were going to see their first R-Rated movie – “Deliverance.” In retrospect, she always wondered why they bothered. Another date and another film, this time one that would change her life at some level – “Billy Jack” would make her realize the extent of injustice in the world. A song began to play in her head…
“Listen, children, to a story, that was written long ago…”
Children…suddenly, she saw herself reach out and take an infant into her arms. The child’s blonde hair was so fine, it was almost as though she were bald. Which daughter was this? Both were so beautiful, such gentle souls. She snuggled the baby closer to her heart. Closing her eyes, she rocked, humming that song. When she opened her eyes, the baby had changed…her son this time – the hair was thick and dark. He reached his little hands to her face, and she found herself falling into his eyes. It had been the same with the girls. Their eyes were portals to eternity…
“Mom? Mom? Are you ok?”
She lifted her head, furrowed with worry. What time was it? Where had she been? Looking about her desk, she saw the bills piled up, the checkbook open and the calculator accusingly blinking a numerical negative. Drowning. She was drowning in debt despite the fact that she spent virtually nothing on items outside of necessity. House payment, electricity, car payment, loan from the time a few years ago when she had her teeth done…school expenses. Food...mostly came from the food bank. “What am I going to do?” she groaned, inwardly, ready to run, hanging on to her sanity by a proverbial thread.
“Mom?”
This time, she looked up, and there was her daughter standing beside her, looking down. Those eyes! Her daughter smiled at her, eyes twinkling, and she couldn’t help but smile back. She held her daughter’s gaze, remembering…
She closed the checkbook, stacked the bills neatly and lay down her pen. Tomorrow was another day. There had been many days before. There would be many to come.
Breaking through the surface, she took a deep breath.
Breaking through the surface, she took a deep breath.
©27 July 2010 by Suzy Jacobson
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