Blog: Here I Go Again!

Well, here it is. The truth. The cold, hard, fatty truth.

I've been pigging out. I can't figure out why I'm eating all the carbs and sugars that enter my sphere of awareness, but I do know chocolate has something to do with it. That's it, I'll blame the chocolate. Forget about this strange addictive behavior I've been exhibiting.

Oddly, since I got the most awesome Dansko shoes, even my hip feels better. I haven't told my surgeon yet, but I think I can put off that hip replacement until I'm actually old. I've been taking the stairs at the hospital where I do my internship - even up to the fourth floor. Those of you who know hospitals know that means a double flight for every floor.

I'd probably be getting closer to my weight loss goal if I weren't eating all the things.

So. I decided to go back to the site that helped me track calories the last time I did this thing. There are a few decent sites that track calories. The first time I lost about fifty pounds just by counting calories, I used CalorieCounter. When I was doing those awful/awesome boot camp exercises with Andrea & David Gough at DNA Mind-Body & Nutrition and Herbalife, I switched to MyFitnessPal. 

I decided to stay with MyFitnessPal, while tracking my steps and calories burned by walking through a little phone app called Google Fit. I don't think the two are compatible, but I know how to take the information from one and enter it into the other. Who knows, I might burn extra calories just doing that by hand!

So here I am. Telling all the people on the internets (well, at least the handful who might read this) that I have been failing, but I intend to win. I intend to get back on track and reach my goal. That might mean some new recipes!

Certainly, it might mean a few photos and new thoughts on this journey.

Funny, it seems like we not only change direction in our life's journey, but we also travel many journeys side by side. My health journey and my spiritual journey are definitely connected. I wonder if it's the same with the career journey, and the trajectory of my whole life.

One thing I've discovered is that it's better to acknowledge where I am chronologically along the way. I'm no longer the 20-something who religiously did aerobics with Jane Fonda, ran 3 miles a day, or road my bicycle 5 miles a day. I'm an "older adult." My needs are different today than they were then. I found a page on a government website that spells out the caloric needs of older adults. 

I don't need 1200 calories per day...I need 1600! This is more doable. I put my goal in as 1500. I think this knowledge will help me on my journey.

I know it's a holistic thing. Body, Mind, and Spirit. 

You can follow my weight loss successes - and failures as I go. Just look for the MyFitnessPal badge on the right side of the page. When I last posted to MyFitnessPal, I had lost 38 pounds.

So...here I go again!

P.S. I forgot to tell you the GOOD news! Yesterday, I was able to begin my yoga practice again! I got through a full Sun Salutation without any wrist pain. That and 50 crunches both yesterday and today are my start back into the world of exercise and mindfulness around my physical being. More to come!

Blog: Sunday Morning Tried to Bring Me Down

The other day at church I sat by a woman who has known me for years. She told me I looked great. I thanked her, of course; but then she went on to ask me if I had surgery to get rid of “extra skin.” No, I told her, I’m just exercising and eating differently. I still have extra skin – those batwings just don’t go away by magic. Like Anne Lamott wrote, as we grow older everything sags and the wattles grow longer. There’s no getting around that without surgery. Well, after this short conversation with the woman in the front row, we worshipped together, and went our separate ways.

You could say that Sunday mornings are my “cheat” day. So, as I sat outside with a cup of iced mocha, a small slice of chocolate cherry cake and a plate of fruit, the woman approached me to explain why she asked me about surgery. She proceeded to tell me that once, a few years back, I was wearing a “see-through” skirt, and she could see what she called an “apron” of skin beneath. She wondered why I would wear such a thing, she said, going on to tell me that I used to wear such “outlandish” clothing, but now I looked sharp.

Of course, I was embarrassed to hear this. I could feel my face reddening.

I would never purposefully wear a see-through skirt at any time. I knew she had to be talking about one of my “hippie” skirts; that is, one of those long, flowing skirts that have what we once called the “Gypsy” look, before that was revealed to be an inappropriate term. I still wear “hippie” skirts. I love them. Most of the time, I receive compliments when I wear them, so I’m fairly certain I don’t look “outlandish” to most people.

I kept a straight face and a thankful demeanor while I was talking with this woman, and I let her know that I would never have worn the skirt without a slip if I had realized it was see–through. Inside, though…inside the little meanie in me wanted to scream, well why didn’t you tell me instead of just judging me? Wouldn’t that have been the nice thing to do?

I really hadn’t the heart to tell her that I still dress pretty much the same; it’s just that the clothing looks more aesthetically pleasing now that I’ve lost almost 50 pounds. I dress in all sorts of styles. I have days when I want to wear a comfortable, loose “hippie skirt.” I have days when I choose a business suit, jacket and all. Other days, I wear leggings with a dress or a long tunic and my combat boots. Some days, I just wear jeans and a T-shirt. I was the same during the time this woman was referring to. It’s just that back then, I had absolutely no idea how to make my clothes hang right or look sleek. I still don’t. I’m not sleek now.

Lest any of my readers think I’m fat shaming when I say my clothes just plain didn’t look as good when I was fatter than I am now, let me assure you that I am not. Some people are fat, and claim it as part of who they are. Like Jenny Trout. I love Jenny Trout, and I think that’s great!  I never did. I tried. I really did, but I knew I wasn’t myself when I was over 200 pounds, out of shape, and in constant pain.

Oh, sure, I had the media-induced self-esteem problems. Still do, though that’s getting better as I grow older. This was more. I knew, deep down inside, that I had to lose the weight. My cholesterol was up. My blood pressure and my glucose were up. My energy was down. I couldn’t always stand up straight when I walked, and my hip and back issues caused me to limp, sometimes forcing me to use a cane. I had to do something.

So I did. Finally.

Some people would say that I am still fat.  After all, I still have at least 20 pounds to lose before I reach my weight goal. I look better in a suit now; but I am imagining myself looking great in a Jackie O style skirt with tiny heels and a little pill box hat perched on my head.

Or maybe just a pretty “hippie skirt” made in India and a cotton poet blouse with puffy sleeves and lace that reaches to the tips of my fingers.

I’ll probably still look outlandish to the woman in the front row, but I’ll look fabulous to me, and that’s really what matters, isn’t it?

Come back to check out my smoothie – and other – recipes, as well as more thoughts on weight loss, self image, and reflections on the process of revealing my true self – to myself.

Pax